Mortal Kombat 11 is Not an SJW Game (You're Just a Dick)

Mortal Kombat 11 came out a few weeks ago and since the internet is a festering cesspool of reactionary idiots, a bunch of negative reviews came streaming in for the most asinine reasons. The chief complaints were that MK11 was, and I shit you not, a SJW game. There are a few reasons why they have come to this conclusion and they are all bullshit. Let’s take a look at the first big one…

It’s Fucking Mortal Kombat

The fact that they are calling Mortal Kombat a SJW game is ridiculous. This is a franchise that has always been geared towards an adult audience. A game where you can rip someone in half and use their torso for a ventriloquist dummy is the furthest thing from a “SJW” thing you could ever have.

This isn’t the most graphic of the fatalities, but for a game that treats human life so cheaply, sometimes making morbid jokes at the expense of the deceased, it is the furthest thing from being “woke” than you could get.

That’s like a #MeToo rally where all the protestors put on a Punch and Judy show with aborted fetuses.

What’s even more incredible is that the whiners are saying that the makers of MK11 are censoring game content. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

If NetherRealm Studios was going to censor anything in their games, they’d start at the blood and gore because as far as these games go, that’s the first thing people who want to censor video games are going to want.

So I bet you’re asking yourself “What is it specifically these needle dicks getting butt-hurt about?” Glad you asked.

The Jax Ending

Like previous Mortal Kombat games, beating the game in Tower Mode shows an ending that is specific to the character you are playing. In this game, the big villain is a time-goddess named Kronika who wants to change time to suit her fancy. If you win, your character changes the timeline to fulfill their heart’s desire.

A bunch of racist motherfuckers out there are upset over the ending for the character Jax.

In this ending, Jax uses the control over time to try and make his life better and realizes that, oh fuck, that’s a really selfish thing to do. He sees an more altruistic thing to do and uses his power to eliminate all slavery from human history, effectively creating a utopian society.

Detractors say that this is SJW because apparently having a black character erase the most horrific parts of human history is not a good thing. Can you believe that?

Here’s Why That’s Bullshit

I shouldn’t have to say this, but I’ll say it: If you’re pro-slavery, you’re a fucking monster that needs to be taken out back somewhere and get shot in the head. Fuck you.

Here’s the other thing that the complainers don’t bring up. Jax is the only character who does something altruistic with his control of the timeline. I’ve seen all the endings and most of the characters do selfish things with their power. Some of them (like Eron Black) actually take an indifferent angle with their power and do nothing with it.

Here’s the other thing, the ending for Jax’s daughter, Jaquie doesn’t have a “SJW” ending. In fact, she wants her parents to be happy, but realizes that the only way that can happen is if she is never born.

But hey let’s focus on the end slavery thing. Jax isn’t the only person has a no-slavery ending. Baraka has a similarly themed ending himself. He is part of a race of beings called the Tarkata who, by the time MK11 comes around are all but extinct.

When you beat the game as Baraka he also uses his power to end the slavery of his own people. Instead of a happy ending where everyone lives together in racial harmony, he creates a timeline where the Taraka take over and enslave everyone else. The exact opposite of Jax’s ending.

If this game was “SJW” why would they have an ending where character whose people were enslaved become conquerors that enslaved everyone else? If the people who made Mortal Kombat were forcing you to be “Woke” they wouldn’t have an ending like this in the game.

So if you’ve got a problem with the Jax ending, maybe the real problem is you and you should suck on a tailpipe.

Female Characters are covered up

Depending on how you look at it, when it comes to the depiction of women, the Mortal Kombat franchise hasn’t exactly been the most progressive. The only female character in the original Mortal Kombat was Sonya Blade and this is what she looked like back then…

Mom, please stop showing off for my friends…

Mom, please stop showing off for my friends…

Not exactly the most scandalous outfit ever, but in 1992 that was pretty racy for a video game. When it came to other female characters like Katana, Jade, and Melinna, they also wore form fitting, sometimes revealing outfits. Pixilated side-boob was quite a thrill when you were a kid in the 90s, I guess? Later Mortal Kombat games took it a tad further. For example, in DC Universe vs Mortal Kombat you could see Sonya’s nipples through her shirt.

Subtle…

Subtle…

In Mortal Kombat 9, they decided that characters costumes could get ripped.

In this game, they outfitted Sonya with a leather vest over her tits, because apparently that is standard military attire? Anyway, if you got fucked up enough in a match, Sonia is standing there with two tattered pieces of leather covering her covering her nipples and about a pint of her enemy’s blood all over her.

So when Mortal Kombat 11 came out, insecure men with tiny dicks got upset because the female characters now look like this:

Mortal-Kombat-11-Sonya-Blade.jpg
jade.jpg
mk11kitana-770x433.jpg

They’re upset because the female characters are no longer in skimpy outfits. It’s the same bullshit complaint, they think it’s censorship or some SJW bullshit.

Before we continue, let me be very clear about my position here: I don’t care if a game has women in skimpy clothing or not. Also a woman in a skimpy outfit in a video game (or another kind of media, or fuck — I don’t know — real life) isn’t a bad thing either. Where’s its bad is if you think a revealing outfit makes them an object or if you think it gives you license to be a greasy pig. There’s a fine line between being titillated by something and being a low rent version of Martin from Human Centipede.

Anyway, back on subject, the whole SJW thing about the women in this game… well about that…

Why It’s Bullshit, Take One: Capitalism

Prior to Mortal Kombat 11, NetherRealms made the popular DC Comics fighter Injustice 2. In that game they changed up the whole character skin motif by creating a system where a player can customize their characters with specific pieces of clothing. Different pants, different masks, gauntlets, cod-pieces, you name it. The whole point was two fold: increase the customizability of the game, and offer augmentations that alter the characters abilities in game.

It encouraged two types of gamers: the completists that needed to unlock everything but also the people who play online tournaments and wanted an edge over their opponents.

This also created a third thing that was more important over all else: A new revenue stream.

Sure, you could grind away for hours playing the same repetitive single player modes, or get your ass handed to you online, to unlock this stuff….. Or you could spend a little real world money to get the stuff without the effort. You better believe they integrated this into Mortal Kombat 11.

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Now here’s the thing: Even though it is a blatant cash grab, they couldn’t just slap some armor on the character models and call it a day. They had to do something that wouldn’t look fucking stupid on the character.

You know what looks really fucking stupid? A woman in a bikini wearing armor on top of that bikini, or bikini that is armor. If you don’t believe me, Google it. 98% of is cartoonish and stupid unless it’s Anime, then 100% of it looks stupid.

Here’s an example:

With apologies to Julie Strain…

With apologies to Julie Strain…

But hey, if I can’t convince you with this piece of logic, here’s the next reason…

Why It’s Bullshit, Take Two - Porn

Here’s the thing boys, if you’re upset that a video game doesn’t have almost naked women in it then you are really bad at getting your rocks off. The solution to your problem is in your hand.

The hand that’s not currently holding your dick.

The hand that’s not currently holding your dick.

We live in the 21st Century. Pornography is literally at your fingertips. Why do you need to be titillated by a video game? For fucks sake, if you want to see Mortal Kombats fucking, PornHub has an entire category.

You want video game models fucking each other? They got that.

9 Minutes of soulless abominations of God grinding each other? Sign me up!

9 Minutes of soulless abominations of God grinding each other? Sign me up!

Or if you’re of a more discerning taste and need to have at least a flicker of life in your fuck videos they even have live action Mortal Kombat porn for your viewing pleasure.

For those who fantasize about a woman sucking their dick after you kick them in the face like a gentleman.

For those who fantasize about a woman sucking their dick after you kick them in the face like a gentleman.

Why would you even need to be turned on playing the real Mortal Kombat? You need two hands to use the controller anyway.

Also, if you really need pornography in your video game, holy shit, the internet has you covered there as well.

And it can be as demeaning as your purid soul wants it to be.

And it can be as demeaning as your purid soul wants it to be.

So, what’s your fucking problem? Here’s a pro-tip to all you Incels out there: If your spending over $100 on a video game and are upset over the lack of tits you’re getting mad at the wrong thing because you’re the one who can’t find tits. They are plentiful and free all over the internet, you limp dick morons.

Nick Peron

Stand-Up Comedian from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. He has been writing articles about popular culture on the internet for almost 20 years. He has written for destroythebrain.com, as well as the now defunct micro-shock.com and bthroughz.com. More recently, he had been a fan contributor at www.fandom.com and has been an active contributor to the Marvel Comics Database for over a decade. He also had a bit role in the film Sexsquatch. His biggest claim to fame however is the fact that he has been banned in China.