Micro-Shock Archives: So Long and Thanks for All the SCREAMS!

This was the final post on my original horror blog micro-shock.com I wanted to post it for posterity since I've since started writing again. Also, I toss a lot of shade, and that's always fun to read about.
I’ll cut right to the point and be out with it, and then take a moment to be sentimental. Due to a number of different factors, Micro-Shock.com will be going down indefinately effective February, 2016.We’ll still maintain our presence on Facebook, as well as on YouTube and Blip.tv, however the primary domain will go dark on February 12 after eight years of operations, and we are currently looking at options as to where to archive our past articles, but as far as new content goes, there are no definite plans under the Micro-Shock banner.There are a number of reasons why the site is going down. It’s partially shifting priorities for myself and the other writing staff (which currently consists of my long time Micro-Shock cohort Rhonda Baughman), the lack of time to put out new views, and honestly, money. Micro-Shock was certainly not a enterprise that generated income and maintaining it over the years has always come out of my own pocket. Some regular readers know that I live in Canada, and as of this writing the Canadian dollar is at record lows. My webhost is situated in the United States and the cost involved is always in US dollars. So you do the math. It just doesn’t make sense to continue maintaining a website that, honestly, isn’t as well visited as it used to be anymore. Especially at steep US prices.There’s that and time. I just don’t have a lot of free time anymore to devote to this website. So instead of keeping it up and going it’s time to say goodbye and close up shop.With the other more successful horror blogs: Bloody Disgusting, iHorror, Halloween Love, Dead Central, and countless others — there’s no lack of content. There are a lot of other talented people out there that are blogging it better now than even Micro-Shock was doing in its prime. Also, those other talented people aside, I feel that the current horror blogging landscape is somewhat redundant, there are a lot of fan sites out there, the content tends to be redundant anyway.Eight years ago Chris Seaver (of Low Budget Pictures/Warlock Home Video fame) came to me with the idea of starting Micro-Shock. It was his baby to start with. He had grand ideas of doing a blog about horror movies and 80s pop-culture. It was me, him and Michael O’May in those early days. Eventually Chris moved on to focus on his movies, and O’May went his own way as well. I was left to carry on the torch, Rhonda had shown up in those early days and she was a huge motivating force in getting the site out there and people clicking.This was in late 2007 early 2008. I was a different person back then. Just 26 years old, Micro-Shock came at a time when I was suffering from a rather messy break-up with a girl I thought I loved. Heindsight being what it is, she was a horribly toxic person who emotionally abused me through our entire relationship. Regardless of that, the end result was that left me heart broken and Micro-Shock was something to focus my attention onto to try and get over all the hurt. It was a long process. It was also the days before WordPress and doing blogs in basic HTML was still a thing (but also on its way out). Google had just recently bought YouTube and online videos were still in its infancy. I did all the design, copying and pasting articles to fit the format. Doing the majority of the videos. Filming, editing, uploading. I had a lot of free time back then and it was not out of the ordinary that I’d be pumping out five or more articles a week and a plethora of videos.Eventually, Rhonda and I started getting out there, my budget was limited but we hit Cinema Wasteland a number of times and got all sorts of interviews. I was a liberty to travel to events and talk to people, connect with the indie horror scene and meet a lot of great people.There were some trials and tribulations. Again, regular readers probably have noted my rather disastrous film project I got involved in back in 2010. I ended up working the wrong person. Ultimately, the guy was a fraud, and I learned a really expensive lesson in choosing the wrong person to work with. Working with this piece of shit was the biggest mistake I ever made, the guy took a personal issue and turned it into something that halted production. He threatened to sue me, and then allowed the production to fall apart and if the footage still exists somewhere it’s still collecting dust on a hard drive somewhere in his house. Which is just as well, it was our project, but he claimed ownership of it. He can have it, I think it was a shitty idea anyway. Anyway, to the point that little misstep almost financially ruined me. I had to file for bankruptcy and the whole nine yards just to get out of the financial trouble.Still the website endured, and it was something I focused on while I was pulling myself out of the financial mess I got myself into. It was still well visited. People liked it. The life wrecking fraud faded into obscurity and has never accomplished anything of value that I can ascertain. Which I believe is what happens to anyone who talks big ideas but has no substance to it.But the convening years were rough, curtailed in a lot of ways I had to struggle to keep the site going. I think back in 2011 there was a period where the site almost went down because I simply couldn’t afford it. I think it was Christmas money from my grandparents that saved the site that year. I briefly had a chance to recover the footage of my film not long after that. The idiot I worked with gave up on editing a music video for a local band that was taking him over 3 years (!!!) to finish. The lead singer contacted me and said that my footage was among the raw footage they got for their music video. When I asked her to give me the footage, she chickened out because she was afraid of being sued. Which I have to say, is a really shitty thing for her to do. Why even tell me? What a cunt. Not long after that one of the cast members of my ill fated film project also died not long thereafter, quashing any chances of it ever getting recovered and finished.I guess one minor victor in that whole debacle was a few years ago, I was able to re-purpose some of the only footage I had of the project, a fake movie trailer for a zombie western called “Boss Zombie” and had it screened at a local fake trailer festival. Incidentally enough, none of the shitty cast members that we used were even interested in showing up to see at least some of their work. Which was insulting, particularly since our dead friend was featured in the short and I made it into a tribute to him. Not a single friend of his showed up. Instead I sat in the old theater and watched it with four of my closest friends who had nothing to do with the project. Which is just as well. The silver lining was that “Boss Zombie” was my biggest contribution to the project and the only thing that had substance (what little there was) in the whole project. It was mine God damn it. I took it back. And no matter how small an audience, it got screened in a theater and seen by people. So, there’s a victory in that whole debacle after all.. All be it a bitter one.Anyway… I think it was about that time that the paradigm started shifting for me. Not long before all of these trials and tribulations I got into doing stand-up comedy, and over time that’s what I began focusing my time on. I was writing less articles, had less time to create videos. Between working two jobs, doing stand-up and volunteering at various convnetions in my area, I just didn’t have the time to maintain the site like I used to. But still we soldiered on.Still the amount of time where the site went six months without any new content were increasing, and I was becoming less and less concerned about it.I’d get a few flutters of inspiration at times, mostly from working conventions. It gave me the opportunity to meet and work with some of the icons of the horror genre. George Romero, Tom Savini, Robert Englund, Doug Bradley, Kane Hodder… So I tried to stick it out. But to be honest with you, the horror genre just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. Was it the fans? Sitting at tables dealing with people coming to see their idols made me a little jaded I guess. The kinds of people coming to the table, saying the same shit and asking the same stupid questions every day.  People spending a ton of money for tickets and autographs and a moment to meet the person and have them answer a question you could have easily found by using Google. It discouraged me as a writer to be honest with you. Here was an audience that could hate on anything at the turn of a dime and I noted the majority of my articles were usually about movies that everyone hated that I had some perverse joy in watching. It wasn’t so much the fact that they didn’t like something, it was the fact that they were parroting everything else others were saying. You tried to get an opposing opinion and the level of discourse was childish at best. I understand that these people are not representative of the community as a whole, but God damn, there were a lot of them. Enough that the desire to write anything thought provoking or different just lost its taste. I certainly didn’t want to be the blogger that regurgitated what every other site was spitting out. I was never one for repeating unsubstantiated rumor or speculation (like a lot of the blogs out there do). I get that it generates traffic, clicks, people will want to see if you have anything different to say, or any new tidbits about whatever is generating a buzz. I just felt it was hacky. I didn’t want to be that guy who waxes on the possibility of another Friday the 13th related project that was mentioned once and never heard of again.I think the final shoe dropped for me was when I was asked to be on an up and coming YouTube series that featured discussions on horror movies. The creator of said series asked me to appear as a guest. We had met at a Comiccon the day after I had my drink spiked by a crazy Frenchman (long story). We connected over our mutual love of the film Cannibal Holocaust and things went from there. This girl is wicked talented, but unfortunately her web series suffered from because of the regular co-hosts she had on the show. These two were biggest pieces of shit I’ve had the displeasure to work with. One is a burned out performer who spends most of his time chasing the fleeting fame he once had and the other was Mr. “I used to be a big name’s” eternal yes man who runs also happens to run a laughably bad horror blog that is the most uninspiring piece of detritus on the internet. The creator was always the shining light of any episode, but those other two were a festering black hole sucking all the joy and energy out of everything… If they could remembered their lines or talking points, or not flub their lines. Sadly, the creator’s project went the same way as mine, as the apish “yes man” has left the footage to collect dust on his hard drive as well. I guess I’m not the only person who had to deal with this.In the end, I had enough and I need to take a break from it all.Does this mean I am completely done with horror?No.Am I going to keep blogging? Maybe, but certainly not about one specific subject.Presently I have some ideas on the burner and if they pan out, fantastic. But until then, it’s time to say goodbye.I wanted to take a moment to thank the following people:My Micro-Shock co-creator, Chris Seaver, a very talented man. I’d also like to thank Michael O’May, Andrew Shearer, Daniel Hassig, Davide Della Nina, the mysterious Dr. M, Eric Larsen, Gwendolyn Kiste, Isabelle Da Morte, Jonathan Moody, and Bill Thomas. Thank you all for your contributions, dedication and hard work, as well as your inspiration and motivations.Also thank you to the many very talented film makers and horror buffs who have allowed us to interview them or review their work. Thank you to Bill Zebub, Mike Hartman, Lloyd Kaufman and the Troma Team, Thomas Berdinski, and a million others. Thanks to the people at Troma, Wild Eye Releasing, Tempe Home Entertainment, Breaking Glass Pictures, SRS Cinema, Massacre Video, and all the independently run film productions out there that have made films that we watched. Both the good and the bad.And most importantly, thank you to all the Micro-Shock fans out there. All three of you.Never stop screaming.

Micro-Shock Archives: Jack-O

Jack O (Special Edition) The One That Got Away:The 1995 low budget horror film known as Jack-O is the film I fondly refer to as the “one that got away”. It was the year 1996, I was in the 9th grade, and one of my friends had told me all about this movie that was — in his own words — “a real piece of shit with a pumpkin headed monster that looks like Styrofoam”. The movie he was talking about was Jack-O. From his brief description, and the confirmation that there was indeed nudity in it. I was instantly captured by the description and wanted to see the movie. Telling my friend, he quipped “You probably want to whack off to the naked girl”. Being a teenager, I denied this (even though we both knew I was lying and he was a hypocrite for laughing at the possibility I would) and said it was strictly for the fact that the movie sounded real bad.Unfortunately, my search stopped at he local video store, and not any further when I ascertained that they did not have a single copy. This was the 90′s, it wasn’t like I could order a copy on the internet or something.  I was obsessed for a while, I even made some really shitty video game “sequels” to Jack-O using a really basic video game maker (Dear Micro-Shock readers, I know I have them kicking around somewhere but I am too embarrassed to dig them up and put them on this website)

A face for the ages that looks like it's been alive for ages.

Anyway, high school came and went and I nearly forgotten about this movie due to the fact that I had discovered girls, beer, and was more centrally focused on using one to get with the other (intrepid genius that you are reader, you can figure out which order that goes into). Flash forward to April 2010. I am spending a week in Akron, Ohio, hanging out with my Micro-Shock cohort Rhonda Baughman, after a disastrous misadventure at the spring 2010 edition of Cinema Wasteland. My last night there was a drunken movie watching spree with Rhonda and the members of Elias Iscariot. After sitting through Corey Haim’s Me, Myself and I and Mr. T’s Be Somebody or Be Somebody Else’s Fool, we went ravaging through Rhonda’s collection of VHS movies. Readers may recall that Rhonda is a devout lover of the VHS format, and her collection is something to be seen. Among the golden gems of cinematic oddities, cult classics, and other assorted weirdness was Jack-O. “I want to watch THAT ONE!” I screamed.  Rhonda rolled her eyes. Why Jack-O of all films when there are other, much more interesting, films to be watched? But I was stuck to my decision and I ended up watching the movie…. Alone.Or at least I attempted to, after guzzling down who knows how many beers and a fair amount of Jagermeister and whatever other ungodly alcoholic mixes that were fed to me, I simply passed out. When I woke up it was dawn and I had to get ready for my flight back home.See? The one that got away.Enough was enough, and finally after my life had calmed down a bit, I resolved that come hell or high water — I was going to see Jack-O, even if it killed me. Unfortunately for you all, I survived the experience and now I am going to share it with you.Two Dead Guys and Some Scream Queens:Filmed in 1993, but not released until 1995,  Jack-O is interesting for it’s choices of casting. The film was directed by Steve Latshaw, who prior to Jack-O directed films like Biohazard: The Alien Force and (I’m not making this up) Vampire Trailer Park. He casted his son Ryan in the film as the main character Sean Kelly. Sean’s last film was in 1997, so by b-movie standards he’s had about as successful career as any of the lesser Sheen/Estivez family members.

"I don't love you anymore Sally"

However, some prominent — or at least notable — scream queens make appearances in this film. Notably, the role of Caroyln Miller played by iconic scream queen Linnea Quigley (Yes, the naked goth zombie from Return of the Living Dead, thanks for playing along). It also featured brief appearances by Micro-Shock’s favorite scream queen Brinke Stevens, as well as Dawn Wildsmith (who some will note was in the Troma classic Surf Nazi’s Must Die and other low budget films such as Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Beverly Hills Vamp)Then there’s the other “big” names in this movie, both of whom died before the movie released: The Cameron Mitchell and John Carradine.It’s interesting to note that Carradine’s “appearance” in this film was in the form of archive footage culled from another film (Don’t ask me what one, or if it was ever released, not even Wikipedia knows that!) not to mention the fact that Carradine had been dead since 1988.Premise:Years ago in the town of Oakmoore Crossing, a feud developed between the Kelly and Machen families. The patriarch of the Machen family — a supposed warlock — named Walter Machen (John Carradine) cursed the Kelly family and sent a pumpkin demon named Jack-O to slay them. The elder Kelly confronted the creature and died stopping it. The creature was then buried in a grave on the Kelly farm property.

In a shocking twist, the corpse of John Carradine was dug up for this post humanous role.

Flash forward to the modern day, and the current line of the Kelly family are well known in Oakmore Crossing for their annual Halloween “Haunted Garage” to raise money for charity. On the days leading up to Halloween Machen descendant Vivian Machen (Catherine Walsh) saves young Sean Kelly (Ryan Latshaw) from a bully and brings him home to his father David (Gary Doles) and mother Linda (Rebecca Wicks) . She volunteers to help the Kelly’s with their Haunted Garage and begins imparting them with her knowledge of the past — as she intends to protect Sean and his family and help them destroy Jack-O once and for all.As you can guess, Jack-O is risen from the dead thanks to a bunch of local teenagers out to drink beer, make out, and find old graves. When they knock down the cross that marks Jack-O’s grave, the pumpkin monster rises from the Earth and slays them all and then begins searching for the Kelly family.

"Listen, Death, the wife and I were talking and we're worried about you. What's the matter honey?"

By this point, Sean is going out trick or treating with his baby sitter Carolyn Miller (Linnea Quigley) after Caroyln’s sister Julie (Rachel Carter) bails on her to go drink beer, and have sex in the woods with her motorcycle riding boyfriend — things don’t go to well if you know what I mean.After Jack-O terrorizes the people of the town for a bit, he goes after Sean — the only one who can supposedly kill Jack-O, leaving Vivian to lead the boys parents to Jack-O’s grave for the final conflict with the pumpkin man. In the final battle, Viv gets chopped up, and the Kelly’s manage to destroy Jack-O and live to see another day.

Racism FAIL.

The Best Lines Were Delivered By the Guy Who Never Talked…The first thing you’ll notice about Jack-O is the bad acting. It literally stinks. Clearly the majority of the cast were first time actors. I would have to say that the worst of the bunch is the character Sean Kelly, played by Ryan Latshaw. Granted, you can’t really expect much from a child actor in a low budget movie, but this goes beyond that. He presents his role with an almost apathetic delivery of everything. He’s always looking off into space, giving unemotional deliveries. The fact that he’s the director’s son makes me wonder if Ryan actually wanted to be there to begin with. The look on his face was that of a kid who would have rather have been playing Nintendo then acting in dad’s horror movie.The rest of the characters, for the most part, deliver their lines woodenly with little or no characterization. When they are not delivering their lines they’re just standing there waiting for another actor to deliver a line or perform an action. They look like they’re concentrating too hard not to flub their lines. The whole point of acting is to look natural, and what they naturally look like are people grabbed to do an acting job they have little experience doing. Gary Doles certainly looks the father role, and he looks exactly what someones father would look like acting in a movie, and having never done it before.

I am Magneto, Master of Magnet! Welcome to Die!

The only two actors worth a damn in this movie are Linnea Quigley and Rachel Carter, in their roles as the Miller sisters.  Also the added bonus is the fact that these characters also appear nude, which helps deal with the pain parade the other actors put you through.The MonsterAs far as the monster Jack-O goes, I was actually impressed with what they came up with. Clearly the idea of a guy with a pumpkin for a head is certainly no new idea. But one of the upsides to this movie is the monsters presentation. While in no way frightening to any stretch of the imagination he at least looks cool. They attempted to go with as much of a jack-o-lantern feel as possible by giving him light up eyes.They draw out the big reveal for as long as possible unfortunately. Which I suppose it’s good in that, over exposure of Jack-O would take a cool looking monster and make him look ridiculous. This is also helped by the fact that Jack-O is seldom lit, until near the end of the film.The draw back though is that you get far too much character interaction that acts as filler while we wait for the monster to catch up with the story.

When necking takes on a more sinister turn

We Interrupt This Movie In Progress For a Special Report on PACING.One of the most annoying aspects of this movie is it’s slow pacing and awkwardstory telling direction. Firstly, the movie starts off with a fat guy who — so far as I can tell — has no relation to Sean Kelly telling him the legend of Mr. Jack the Pumpkin Man in the woods. First of all, why is this old man out camping with a kid he has no relation to?The entire back story is fractured between the opening sequence (as told by the fat guy) and Sean having nightmares about how Jack-O was defeated the first time. This is made even more chaotic by the hap-hazard splicing in of the John Carradine scenes. Which feature an different actor shot from far away when interacting with other characters, and then showing close up archive footage of Carradine up close. Not to mention Carradine’s lines are all dubbed in, and they are so vague you can’t help but notice they were swiped from some place else and dubbed into this movie.The other problem with this movie is the plodding nature of how Vivian explains the Kelly family history, the resurrection of Jack-O, and his confrontation with the Kelly’s. Between all this time the movie deviates from the plot to go to a gratuitousshower scene of Linnea Quigley (not that I’m complaining) and we are constantly brought back to the Kelly living room where Sean is watching a show called “Dr. Cadaver’s Monster Movie Madness”, spending time focusing on the television to show other movies.

In a desperate attempt to revitalize the Friday the 13th franchise, Paramount Pictures attempted to release "Friday the 13th and 1/2" featuring Jason Jr. The idea bombed and the Jason property was sold to New Line Pictures

This of course allows them to showboat cameo appearances by Brinke Stevens and Cameron Mitchell, two actors who appear in the film and have absolutely zero to do with the plot. I’m as grateful to be rescued from cinematic drek by a Brinke appearance as anyone, but at least have her be important to the plot or something.We also get to sit and watch some right wing religious nut on television as watched by the typical “asshole neighbors” who hate Halloween. This, I presume is some sort of social commentary on conservative snobs, but has all the de classe of the type of horse shit I wrote in high school to sound “edgy” in English class.You’re probably going to want to literally fast forward through whole chunks of this movie, and perhaps chapter skip back to the Quigley nudity to get through this one. I know I did.

This is what every goth guy is going to look like when they turn 40.

Let’s Go Duh Moments:As mentioned by my fellow co-writer Rhonda Baughman, horror movie characters sometimes suffer from “Let’s go die” moments. The obvious poor judgement that lands character cooling on a slab by the time the credits are rolling.I would have to add a new one to the Micro-Shock lexicon, a variation of the “Let’s go die” called “Let’s go duh!” Which are moments of horror movie deaths that are the product of a script that is so ridiculous the characters that can be categorized by this would have to be functionally retarded to be able to pull this shit off in real life.Case in point, the aforementioned conservative curmudgeons. The wife of the combo — while fleeing Jack-O — some how manages to slip on a rug and impale a fork into their toaster, getting electrocuted to death. Not only is this the most absurd thing, the writer of this turkey also had enough skill to foreshadow the event by having this couple really enjoy eating toast while sitting down to their favorite conservative talking head.

You know a movie is bad when it deviates from the plot to watch a Brinke Stevens movie

“Special” Effects:The next gripe I have with this movie is the clear lack of special effects. It looks like most of their budget went on the nifty Jack-O mask, because the gore effects are very much lacking.Which, I for one am going to say, you don’t always need buckets of blood to make a good horror movie. But between the lagging plot, bad acting you cannot sustain my interest with two nude scenes alone. If you want me to shut my brain off and enjoy this movie for mindless self indulgence, you’re going to have to also impress in the gore category.Unfortunately, they do not, and this is primarily due to their choice in the killers weapon: A scythe. I get what they were going for, a monster that comes out of the earlier frontier days of American history — what better weapon to give him am I right? Well, this is a weapon that can do a lot of damage, and hopefully with the right kind of writer, some inventive uses for said weapon.

The part of me that's still trapped in that late 80's early 90's hair metal finds this hot.

However, for the most part, it appears all that Jack-O can accomplish is cutting throats, and stomachs. Don’t expect gigantic torrents of blood, or guts to fall out all over the place either. For a movie with such a large sharp object there is a stunning lack of decapitations — a mere single head chopping — You’d figure a demon created by a warlock would be able to land more fatal blows than this, but most of the time he just nicks people and lets them bleed out.Possibly one of the most laughable kills in the film is at the climax when Vivian is killed by Jack-O, it looks like all they could accomplish with this one was using a blow up doll filled with fake blood. It possibly the worst attempt at showing someone getting disemboweled I have seen in a long time.

The Great Pumpkin grins with pleasure as that stupid kid with the Blue Blanket comes to visit him for another year

Climax?The end of the movie is… not really that impressive. After a massive build up where Vivian explains that Sean is the one who will have to stop Jack-O, the kid is very easily captured and offers absolutely no struggle for the giant pumpkin monster. In fact, Sean just lays still in a grave and lets Jack-O bury him with dirt.He has to be the most passive victim I have ever seen in a horror movie.Also, you lose a lot of points in the “Last great hope to stop an ancient evil” category when you’re parents have to take the family car out to come to your rescue. This kid almost screws the pooch, I’m surprised we aren’t all bowing down to emperor Jack-O yet while somewhere the disembodied voice of John Carradine cackles madly. In the end of the film.

I wanted him to give me head, but this wasn't what I meant!

In the end, after Vivian buys the farm, Sean grabs the cross that marked Jack-O’s grave, apparently the one thing that can destroy the creature. Then in the most pitiful voice he could muster he shouts “Come get me pumpkin man!”While Sean is holding the crucifix, it’s actually his dad who tackles Jack-O and knocks him down onto it — impaling it through his chest.So I guess the moral of the story is that when you’re the only hope to stop an ancient evil, it’s always good to get the help of an adult? This is demon slaying, not arts and crafts. Kid, you completely fail as a hero if you need your mom and dad’s help to save the day.Final Word on Jack-OJack-O is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, however it’s one of those bad movies you can really enjoy sitting down and picking to shreds. It’s the typical low budget stuff you’d expect from American International Pictures, and despite how bad it is, it’s still enjoyable to watch.Failing that, you can at least watch it for the excessively long Quigley shower scene. It’s okay dear reader, we don’t judge you here.

I said I could use a trim down there but this is ridiculous

Micro-Shock Archives: Spoiler Alert: Confession of an Unapologetic Spoiler

Recently I wrote and review of A Serbian Film which got passed around the internet because some people thought that it was a well written review (clearly, these people are very ill and need help desperately). After a few hundred people viewed it, someone complained that I ruined the ending and should have put a spoiler warning.Of course, this being the internet, people seem to think that it needs to cater to them and that we should all operate within the confines of what they think is proper courtesy. If we all got what we wanted from the internet, I wouldn’t be besieged with pop-up banners for Adult Friend Finder and Party Poker whenever I wanted to exercise my God given right to masturbate to free internet porn.At any rate, for those of you who have just discovered the internet today (welcome, by the way) and are not sure what a spoiler warning is then allow me to explain: When someone in my position is reviewing, or summarizing things for someone else to read… Say, I was reviewing a film, or say I was writing a summary for a comic book…. People expect that you at least not reveal the ending. Some very anal retentive people think that you should not even reveal specific plot twists that would be considered surprising if you were going in blind. Finally, the expect that if you’re going to abandon all common decency and blab about the whole thing like some gossipy school girl, then at least give them some fair warning by writing SPOILER ALERT somewhere that they can easily see.  I believe the internet courtesy is to set up a big flashing sign with a pyrotechnic display. Or something.

Pictured: Typical Spoiler Alert

This is so, internet whiners and cry babies don’t have to have an unwatched episode of the Walking Dead spoiled by reading a synopsis about it on the internet first.So this person was upset that I spoiled the ending to the movie in my review, and complained that wasn’t the whole point of reviewing a movie to entice people to go and see it? That by explaining the ending people would be less inclined to go and see it?Clearly, we have a difference of opinion.When it comes to revealing the ending of a movie or not in a review, for me, I tend to flip flop. some of my reviews I do reveal the endings to a film, other times I do not. It all really depends on a number of things (one of them being sobriety).  I generally take a look at how long ago a movie was released, how popular it is (read: how much press it’s getting) and what sort of production it is (independent, Hollywood, Croatian Snuff etc.) before I write about how a movie ends. Also, it helps if I liked it or not.Age:If the movie was made decades ago, I’m not too worried about how people feel when I spoil an ending. If for some reason you haven’t seen it by this point, it’s not my fault. Plus, someone probably already beat me to it a long time ago, so I shouldn’t feel guilty about revealing an ending of a film that came out when Regan was President.


We here at Micro-Shock are nostalgic, and the last thing I want to worry about when I’m writing a retrospective of the Back to the Future Trilogy is if you know that it ends with a time travelling steam engine or not. Or if you didn’t know that they killed Freddy Krueger at the end of Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.

Now there's a movie poster that needs a Spoiler Warning

Personally, I don’t care if you haven’t seen Frogs, or Bleeders, or Jack-O, or not. If you haven’t seen them they’ve been around for so long I don’t care if I ruin the ending for you or not. Also, I find that it’s usually common among people who read reviews of older movies, especially when it comes to old horror films, that you want to know what it’s all about. Beginning to end. Nothing sucks worse than popping in a dusty VHS tape of some forgotten horror film to find out that while there was a nice pair of boobs five minutes in and you had to sit through all sorts of bullshit filler to find out at the end of the movie the killer was a fucking sled.


Reviews like these are commonly a public service I think, to stand as a warning to others that to wade through certain cinematic disasters that could lead to possible death, or worse. Usually people ignore these warnings and watch a film anyway. Of course, this makes them compelled to write a review as well. This is what we call Bloggers-Abuse. It’s a vicious cycle that never ends.  But that’s a subject for another time…Popularity:If a movie is part of a popular franchise, then I care even less about if I spoil the ending or not. As far as franchises go, they follow a formula, and if they’ve been around long enough someone else has been bound to have let the cat out of the bag right away. In fact, there are entire wiki’s devoted to single topics about Star Trek and Star Wars that I should be so low on the radar in the realm of spoilering that I’m surprised you even came to my web site for a review first (Guess you’re not coming back are you?)Plus the more popular something is, the more people want to spoil it for you. I’m just writing this shit down on the internet, while slightly buzzed on cheap box wine and chomping on anti-depressants like they’re fucking Flintstone vitamins.There are people way more devoted to ruining it for you than I am.Also on that note, if you weren’t there on opening night then my opinion is that the movies ending wasn’t that important to you. Why are you reading my review when you should be camping out in front of the damn movie theater? If the ending to Tron: Legacy is all that goddamn important to you, either stand in line and see it on opening night or stop reading about it on the internet.

A line up of children wait anxiously to see "Around the World in 80 Days" , until the ending was spoiled by a greaser passing by in his '57 chevy with a bullhorn.

Picture the movie you are considering seeing a hot bangable girl that you are  dating, now picture the internet like every other guy in the world. The less committed you are, the more one of those other guys is going to spoil it for you. Nothing sucks more than getting sloppy seconds.Hollywood/Independent/Croatian Snuff Film?The next question I usually have is, what sort of production is it? Is it a big budget Hollywood film? Is the latest smash hit out of India? Or is it an independent film made by the blood, sweat, and tears of a true artist?At the end of the day, I will not reveal the ending of an independent film, whereas a Hollywood movie, I will spoil the fuck out of it. Why? Because I have a bitter resentment to Hollywood because I don’t know what the modern movie goer likes. Plus I owe Hollywood nothing. I pay exorbitant prices  to see their shitty fucking movies, I’m going to put it pasture so that those of us out there that aren’t part of the mouth breathing masses can heed my words of warning and caution about a film so they don’t have to waste their time seeing it.I do owe it to the independent community to not reveal the ending to a movie. Especially one I like. Because this is where the real creativity is. This is where a good review with a spoiler might make people less interested in a film.The only time that I spoil an ending with an independent film is if the movie is an utter pile of shit. Because, really, there is a lot of that out there. If you’re taking a camera out into the world and your movie is the cinematic equivalent to finger painting with dog shit, then I’m going to lambaste your film. I am going to utterly rip it to shreds from beginning to end. See my reviews of Hillbilly Bob Zombie, Vampires VS Zombies, or Tainted to get a good idea of what I mean.So when it came to my review of A Serbian Film, I knew the movie had a lot of press. It’s been reviewed by almost every horror site, it made the cover of the November 2010 issue of Rue Morgue Magazine, and has played all over the independent film circuit.That and really it’s one of those films that you know is not going to have a happy ending. Enough about the movie is already circulating around. Hell, even Wikipediaspoils the ending to this movie.Plus my review of the film was analyzing the context of the film. To be able to fully understand what the movie is really about I wanted to convey my interpretation of the film. Honestly, were people that excited to learn how this movie ended?

He raped his son's sled.

All and all, the internet has been in public use for almost 20 years, if you’re complaining about something being spoiled for you, then you’re effectively a whiner. Unless you’re mentioning it on principle (you know you didn’t really care one way or another) in which case you should extract the sand from your butt hole.At the end of the day, if you read a spoiler, it’s no different than when I click on a link to see Asian women shooting baby eels out of their assholes. It’s your own damn fault for clicking on the link. (Also let it be known that I don’t warn people of NSFW stuff either, so if you clicked on that link, congratulations on your recent unemployment).If you don’t want to have the ending to something you want to see spoiled, don’t read anything about it and just go out and see the damn thing. You know. Live a little.