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Nick Peron

Welcome to the website of comedian Nick Peron. It is the ground zero of his comedic writing.

Captain America Comics #70

Captain America Comics #70

Worlds At War

Jeff Mace and Betsy Ross attend a lecture being put on by Professor Kluto who tells his listening audience that the only way to unite the nations of the world to work together and prevent total annihilation would be to provide them with a mutual threat from alien invaders. After the lecture, Jeff and Betsy leave with much to ponder about the theory. Meanwhile, back at his lab, Professor Kluto intends to put his theory to the test. Using a device of his own invention he pulls Mars closer to the Earth. Having studied the planet he is aware that Martians live there and that they lack the capability to travel the distance between the two worlds. As he predicted, with Mars closer to the planet Earth, the Martians prepare and invasion fleet led by their leader Oog, the so-called Master of the Universe.

At the Lee School, Betsy Ross is giving a class but she dismisses it early when Jeff urgently calls her away. Taking her outside he points out that the planet Mars is now close enough to Earth to be seen clearly in the sky. With an invasion fleet approaching they change into Captain America and Golden Girl to see what they can do to fight off the invaders. Soon nations all over the world are attacked by the onslaught of Martian vessels and no one nation is safe by themselves. Oog and his minions touch down on Earth and plant a Martian flag on its surface. Watching all this Professor Kluto rejoices that he as succeeded in his life long ambition. He is soon confronted by Captain America and Golden Girl who demand to know what he has done. Determining Kluto to have gone mad, the two heroes leave him to see what they can do.

As Kluto predicted, the worlds powers unite and try to fight off the invasion, but to no avail. Captain America locates Oog's attacking party and tries to take control of their ship but is knocked out by a gas gun. When he revived, Oog orders Cap to lead him to Earth's leaders and demand their surrender. Cap instead leads Oog back to Professor Kluto's lab where they find Golden Girl waiting. She tells them that Kluto was killed in the attack on New York City. Cap then tricks Oog into thinking that Kluto's invention is a communication device. The ploy works and Cap manages to use it to send Mars back to it's original place in the solar system. When Oog tries to fight Cap, the hero knocks him out with one punch, sending him smashing into Kluto's machine, destroying it. Without their homeworld in close proximity, the Martians realize that they will starve as they cannot eat Earth food and fly off into space to meet death among the stars. With the Martian invasion over, the world goes back to its previous, high tension, status quo.

Resuming his classes, Jeff tells his students that the best lesson to learn from the Martian invasion is that one should never try to cure one evil with a greater one.

Recurring Characters

Captain America, Golden Girl

Continuity Notes

  • Per What If? #4, all appearances of Captain America in this issue are attributed to Jeff Mace.

  • Although these aliens claim to be Martians from Mars, it is unlikely. It was a common science fiction trope to have aliens coming from other planets in our solar system until the 1960s when it became common knowledge that Earth is the only planet in our solar system that can sustain life. Although no explanation is provided here, typically Marvel states that aliens claiming to live on a planet in our solar system only used it as a staging ground for a planned invasion of Earth. The most common example of this are the Kronans who claimed to have come from Saturn in Journey into Mystery #83.

The Man Who Knew Everything

Captain America is sitting in the audience of a radio quiz show where the current contestant is doing terribly. Sitting next to him is Ollie Olophant who believes he could do a better job at answering the questions. Cap encourages Ollie to volunteer next. To everyone's surprise, Ollie turns out to answer every question correctly. Walking Ollie back to his house, Cap learns that until Ollie was asked the questions he was unable to answer it. He then tells Cap how he went into a book shop the previous day and purchased a small encyclopaedia from Europe. The print was too small to read, but he had it in his pocket when he was on the quiz show. Cap looks at the book and believes that it is an amazing claim and encourages Ollie to continue going to the quiz shows.

Ollie continues to win the game shows, earning all sorts of prizes and gaining lots of publicity. He soon begins being questioned by different academics to try and stump him, but he is able to answer all their questions. Soon, Cap's friend, a theatrical agent, decides to try and make Ollie a star and convinces him to at least meet for dinner. Later when Cap and the agent meet with Ollie they meet his girlfriend. When the agent asks Ollie to consider his offer, Ollie tells him that he is not interested and that he is content with his girlfriend who likes him how he is and that they intend to retire to a farm. Suspecting what happened, Cap begins quizzing Ollie and finds that he cannot answer the questions correctly any more. Ollie then admits that he did not like the publicity and threw the book away, much to the agents chagrin.

Recurring Characters

Captain America

Scavengers of the Desert

The Sub-Mariner and Namora are swimming up the Mare Nostrum on the trail of Squire Bones and his band of pirates that have been robbing ships in the area. Spotting Squire's plane attacking a ship, the two jump up and grab hold of the pontoons on the wings. As Squire brings his plane back to his hideout he is tipped off of his extra passengers by one of his minions watching his landing from the ground. Squire then lands his plane and a fight breaks out. Namor and Namora have the upper hand until Squire gets them caught up in a parachute and has them bound up.

Squire then comes up with the ultimate plan to eliminate the two heroes: Dropping them in the middle of the Sahara Desert. He does so and flies off to get away from an approaching sandstorm. Away from the water they need for strength, the Sub-Mariner and Namora plod through the sandstorm and find cover under a rock outcropping. From there, they discover the brick work of an underwater aqueduct and smash their way through to it.

Meanwhile, Squire and his men are forced to land their plane in a nearby village to wait out the storm. As they go to a well for water, Namor and Namora jump out and easily capture the crooks and turn them over to the authorities. With Squire Bones and his men captured, Namor and Namora return to the ocean with greater appreciation for their natural environment.

Recurring Characters

Sub-Mariner, Namora

Captain America Comics #69

Captain America Comics #69

Captain America Comics #71

Captain America Comics #71