Spider-Man's Get Kraven #3
Get Kraven Part Three
As Ben Charles sleeps in his car on the side of Mulholland Drive, he is blissfully unaware that his future employer, Al Kraven, and his girlfriend Timber Hughes are jogging past with their pet wolf, Nickle. Kraven makes a crass comment about not going an hour without seeing a homeless person, making a point of calling them bums. When Timber calls him insensitive, he complains about a number of popular actors whose previous roles as homeless people have convinced bums that being homeless was a viable career choice. When Timber suggests that he is just being crank, Al says that he’s actually quite nervous and asks her to be the vice president of his production company. Timber assures Al that he’s going to do great and not to worry. Still he wonders if he should have taken Spider-Man’s advice and stayed in New York and joined the Avengers or the X-Men and fought super-villains for a living. He wonders what business he has trying to make it in Hollywood while living in a home rented from a former sitcom star. Timber suggests that Al is being a whimp, saying that she is looking forward to her first audition today. Even Nickle appears to be critical of Al’s doubts and he decides to stick with it, telling Timber they’ll have a “Hollywood day” and see how many shallow lunatics they will meet.
At that moment, at National Studios, obese film producers Joe and Harry Rothstein are stress eating over the news that Al Kraven is in town looking for a film to produce. They are furious that their colleague, Ned Tannengarden brought Kraven onto the lot without warning them first, especially after their last movie Face-Man made the studio a fortune. Harry assures his twin brother that he has someone watching Kraven, Sitch William, aka the Beater. Joe thinks Stitch is really good at his job but, just in case, Joe has also arranged to have Kraven’s crazy uncle, the Chameleon, released from the mental hospital who is willing to off Al for free. Satisfied that they have the situation under control, the Rothsteins celebrate by giving themselves suppositories for their hemorrhoids.
As the Rothstein’s are sticking shoving things up their asses, Ben Charles is in the process of buying a gun. The owner of the gun shop asks Ben if he’s going to do something stupid with the weapon. Ben assures the gunshop owner that he’s going to be doing the first smart thing he’s done in a long time. By this time, Timber is waiting for her audition for a new sitcom called That Sixties Show. When she mentions to another actress, Janet Swift, that she just arrived in Hollywood, the actress gets upset because this is her fourth callback and the producers of this show are probably going to pick Timber because she is new. She then lists off all the anti-depressants she is on and says she also drank some wine even though her doctor warned her not to. When Janet is called up she suddenly collapses to the ground. This doesn’t phase the production assistant even when Timber explains everything in Janet’s system, saying that she does the same thing. The assistant then says this should work out well for Timber as the producers are getting tired. Timber isn’t sure if this is how she wants to make her break in Hollywood but does the audition anyway. The producers get offended when Timber tells them she thought the script was cute as they have convinced themselves that it explores the 1960s in a way that hasn’t been done before. Timber apologizes, saying that she is nervous after the woman who was supposed to audition before her passed out in the waiting room. Still, they start reading the script and the producers are in stitches as Timber reads her lines.
However, this isn’t an evaluation of Timber’s acting abilities and more the producers patting themselves on the back for writing “actor-proof” jokes. When Timber asks to do a re-read they dismiss her. Growing furious, Timber tells them to stop talking each other like she isn’t there. She then calls them out for being a bunch of misogynistic assholes whose derivative work only appeals to the lowest common denominator. That’s when the producers start calling her a bitch and she starts getting physically violent with them. With the producers cowering on the floor, Timber calls in Nickle. She then orders the production assistant to get Janet some proper medical help before Timber feeds her to her wolf. Once she is alone with the producers she warns them not to try anything or Nickle will kill them. Then she points out that the reason she knows how to fight is that her boyfriend is Kraven the Hunter. Afraid for their lives, the producers of That Sixties Show tell her that she can have the part if she wants it. This makes her laugh as she decided that not only does she not want the part anymore, she doesn’t think she wants to be an actor anymore either, figuring that these shitheels are just the tip of the iceberg of what she will have to deal with in Hollywood. She then threatens to have Nickle attack them unless they agree to give Janet Swift the lead role, the least they can do after turning her into a pull-popping mess with the constant callbacks. She then tells them that when they try to come after her — because she knows cowards like them will try — she says she can be found at National Studios as vice president of Hunter Productions.
That afternoon, Ben Charles is sitting in his car contemplating suicide again. He takes one last drink from a bottle of booze and puts the barrel of the gun under his chin. Unfortunately, when he pulls the trigger the gun backfires and explodes in his hand instead of blowing his brains out.
Back at National Studios, Al Kraven finds himself inundated with scrips as word has gotten out that he’s looking for a film to produce. The temp, a woman named Dana, that has been helping him out asks if he is going to want to start doing interviews for an assistant. Al doesn’t think its right that she’s never been hired on as an assistant, especially after she says that it’s based on her appearance, and hires her on the spot for the job. As Kraven tells her what her job will be the Chameleon — still thinking he’s Al’s father — comes crashing through the ceiling to kill his “son.” The Chameleon then grabs Dana and threatens to kill her unless Al starts calling him his father. A crowd begins gathering and when Al tells them that this is his mentally ill uncle, they become disinterested because this isn’t the movie they’re going to be shooting. Thankfully, Timber returns with Nickle, and the massive wolf attack the Chameleon, separating him from Dana. While the Chameleon struggles with the massive creature, Timber smashes a chair over his head, knocking him out. In the aftermath of the battle, Dana is told that Timber is the new vice president of the company. Meeting Dana, Timber then tells her that she’s earned herself a raise.
Recurring Characters
Al Kraven, Timber Hughes, the Chameleon, Ben Charles, Joe Rothstein, Harry Rothstein, Nickel
Topical References
Dated pop-culture references: Whoopie Goldberg, Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Scott Baio, Joanie Loves Chacci, saying “Word”, movies that make a few hundred million being considered profitable (these were simpler times), Pamela Anderson, Kevin Smith, The Seventies Show, That Eighties Show, Dan Ackroyd, Joyce DeWitt, Russell Crowe
Additional Notes
Despite the fact that the cover says this series is a 7 issue limited series it’s actually 6 issues.
