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Nick Peron

Welcome to the website of comedian Nick Peron. It is the ground zero of his comedic writing.

Spider-Man: Secret Wars #1

Spider-Man: Secret Wars #1

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This story takes place during the events of Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars #4….

On Battleworld, the superheroes who have been gathered by the Beyonder have just had a mountain literally dropped on them by the Molecule Man, one of many villains that were also brought here by the Beyonder.[1] The only reason the heroes are alive right now is thanks to the Hulk’s titanic strength to hold the mountain up.[2] As everyone works to either reinforce their prison or help with the injured, Spider-Man thinks about how they found themselves in this situation….

Three Hours Earlier

Captain America has formed a scouting party which includes Captain Marvel, the Hulk, and Spider-Man. Cap sends Captain Marvel ahead since she can travel at the speed of light. As they narrowly avoid crossing paths with the Lizard, Spider-Man doesn’t understand why they don’t use the scanning devices back at the headquarters the Beyonder left for them. However, Captain America doesn’t trust the alien technology. They then spy on the Enchantress who is out communicating with a water sprite. As they watch, Spider-Man voices some of the inconsistencies about this whole deal, particularly since the villains gathered to fight it out all seem overpowered compared to the heroes. He also doesn’t understand why Magneto was placed among the heroes since he’s widely considered evil while the villains’ got Galactus, who is beyond such concepts as good or evil.[3]

That’s when the Enchantress becomes aware of their presence and conjures mystical constructs that act like restricting snakes. As Spider-Man tries to stop Captain America from being squeezed to death, the Hulk confronts the Enchantress head on. The gamma spawned behemoth shrugs off her mystical blasts and knocks her out with a single slap, making her mystical snakes disappear. That’s when Captain Marvel returns to warn them that the Wrecking Crew are coming their way. Considering them too powerful to fight on their own, Captain America suggests a strategic retreat. This insults the Hulk, who thinks he can take on the Crew by himself. As they bicker among one another the Enchantress recovers from the Hulk’s blow and teleports away.

Later

The villains launched an attack on the hero’s base, blowing it to pieces. Captain America led the evacuation when suddenly, the Molecule Man used his powers to lift a mountain and make it fall on them. As Mister Fantastic wraps his body around the others as a cushion, it was left to the Hulk to try and keep the mountain off of them.

Earlier

Spider-Man recalls how before that attack he was expressing his concerns about the Hulk to Captain America as they were monitoring the activities of Galactus. Spider-Man was concerned that the Hulk is losing grip on his Bruce Banner persona, which could put them all in danger. However, Captain America disagreed, confident that they could trust him in battle. Cap points out that the Hulk is not angry all the time, just frustrated over their situation like everyone else. When Spider-Man suggested they still keep an eye on them, Cap responded by saying Spider-Man should keep an eye on him as well because he’s starting to get angry. As Cap storms off, Spider-Man realizes that arguing with Captain America probably means you are on the wrong side of the discussion.

Not long after that, Doctor Doom and his forces attacked their headquarters. Everyone was caught off guard leading to their retreat and eventually being trapped under tons of rock.

Now

As the Hulk continues to hold up the mountain his cousin, She-Hulk, suggests taking his place so he can rest. However, she is not nearly as strong enough as the Hulk. Without complaining, the Hulk resumes the monumental task of keeping everyone alive. Seeing that the Hulk is starting to grow weak, Spider-Man intentionally mocks him in order to make him angry, remembering that old adage: the madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets. This is still true even though Bruce Banner’s intellect is still in charge. The Hulk’s anger gives him the strength he needs to continue holding things together.

That’s when the other heroes hear a tapping noise coming from outside and wonder what it is. By this point, Reed Richards has come around after suffering a concussion and begins cannibalizing the equipment of the others in order to build a device that can help them dig out of their prison.He takes components from Spider-Man’s web-shooters and Hawkeye’s trick arrows and creates a device that will allow the Human Torch and Captain Marvel to channel their energies into Iron Man’s power packs and super-charge his repulsor rays with enough power to blast a hole through the mountain.[4] The gambit works and when the heroes are free the Hulk confronts Spider-Man for everything he said. Not what was said in the mountain, he realizes why the wall-crawler did what he did, but what he said before the attack. As it turns out, the Hulk overheard Spider-Man and Captain America’s argument. He tells Spider-Man that if he has a problem with him in the future to tell it to his face, otherwise go tell it to the mountain. The rebuke leaves Spider-Man speechless as he realizes that he was wrong about the Hulk all along.

Recurring Characters

Spider-Man, Hulk, Avengers (Captain America, Captain Marvel, Hawkeye, Iron Man, She-Hulk), Fantastic Four (Mister Fantastic, Human Torch, Ben Grimm), Doctor Doom, Absorbing Man, Doctor Octopus, Enchantress, the Lizard, Molecule Man, Titania, Ultron, Volcana, Wrecker, Galactus

Continuity Notes

  1. Spider-Man recounts how the Beyonder gathered them all. That happened in Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars #1, obviously.

  2. Here Ben Grimm is in human form. It’s not implicitly stated why, however as explained in Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars #2, Ben Grimm suddenly reverted back to human form in the middle of a battle. He will change back later on in issue #4 of that series. By issue #12, Ben is convinced that something on Battleworld allows him to change back and forth. However, we’ll learn in Fantastic Four #245 that the Thing could always do so, but his insecurities about losing his then-girlfriend Alicia Masters prevented him from utilizing this ability.

  3. Spider-Man reminds himself that the Hulk has the intelligence of Bruce Banner. Banner’s intellect took control of his Hulk body during this period of time. See Incredible Hulk #272-297.

  4. It should be noted here that Iron Man isn’t helping with this solution because at the time of this story James Rhodes was wearing the Iron Man armor. See Iron Man #170-192.

Amazing Spider-Man Presents: Jackpot #3

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Spider-Man: Secret Wars #2

Spider-Man: Secret Wars #2