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Nick Peron

Welcome to the website of comedian Nick Peron. It is the ground zero of his comedic writing.

Black Widow: The Coldest War #1

Black Widow: The Coldest War #1

The Coldest War

February[1]

The Black Widow has interrupted an exchange of sensitive US government data aboard a private yacht. However, the buyer isn’t willing to give up on the data just because they have been caught red handed. In the ensuing gunfight, the seller gets mowed down by gunfire as they try to shoot the Black Widow. As Natasha recovers the data and dives into the Hudson River, she is unaware that she is being observed from the shore by two Russian operatives. They are impressed that she hasn’t slowed down in the years since she defected from Russia.

The Widow swims to shore where her handler, Ivan Petrovitch is waiting for her. Handing her a warm towel, they two duck into Natasha’s private limo and drive off.[2] On the ride back, Natasha can’t shake the feeling that the entire deal was some kind of set up. That’s when they notice that they are being tailed. With his driving skills, Ivan is able to lose them in the New York City traffic and they continue on their course to a party where they are to hand off the stolen information to their SHIELD contact.[3] Natasha mingles with the crowd for a time until it is time to do the handoff. She heads into the bathroom to freshen up and once the place is deserted she hands the stolen data to the bathroom attendant who is secretly a SHIELD operative.

On her way out, Natasha is confronted by three Russian operatives named Zamatev, Katrinka, and their bodyguard, Fyodor. When Fyodor tries to subdue Natasha, she is easily able to incapacitate him. She then grabs Zamatev and dangles him off the rooftop balcony while Ivan nabs Katrinka and holds her at gun point. Zamatev admits that things have gotten out of hand and that they came to show Natasha something. He then hands her a picture of Natasha’s ex-husband Alexi Shostakov with the current Russian Prime Minister, something that should be impossible since Alexi is dead.[4]

Natasha decides to hear the him out and invites Zamatev and Katrinka back to her apartment. There she is shown footage that shows that Alexi is still apparently alive. Romanov doesn’t buy it until another man in the video holds up a Russian newspaper dated two months prior. This still seems very impossible to Natasha, who recounts how Alexi was killed during a battle with the Avengers. However, Katrinka plays more video footage that shows that Alexi’s horribly burned body was recovered from the ruins of the Chinese base that was blown up in the battle. They returned Shostakov to the Russians who gave him to the country’s leading surgeons who fixed him back up and healed most of the damage done to his body. The recording ends with Alexi waking up in a hospital bed asking for Natasha, apparently the only memory he had retained following the explosion. However, with the financial situation in Russia, the government has decided to pull funding of Alexi’s treatment. However, if Natasha agrees to steal a State Department memo regarding the United State’s position in an upcoming UN trade conference — a document that isn’t even classified — they can ensure that Alexi will continue receiving care indefinitely.

Natasha tells the two Russians to get out of her home and as they leave, Katrinka wonders if they didn’t over play their hand. Zamatev, however, thinks the Black Widow will comply. After the Russian operatives are gone, Natasha hits the shower to try and clear her mind. Seeking advice, she tries calling her former lover Hawkeye on the west coast. However, when Clint’s new wife Bobbi Morse answers the phone, Natasha hangs up.[5] Suiting up as the Black Widow, Natasha heads to Hell’s Kitchen to seek the advice of Matt Murdock, aka Daredevil, yet another former lover.[6] However, when she sees Karen Page in the window, Natasha feels like an intruder and tries to leave. Daredevil happens to bump into her, she won’t tell him what’s wrong but assures Matt that she’ll handle it on her own. When she goes back to her apartment, Ivan is fast asleep in front of the TV. Checking her voice mail, Natasha finds a message left by Alexi pleading with her to come back to him. This is enough to convince Natasha to call Zamatev and Katrinka and tell them that she’ll take the job.

The following day, Natasha heads to the United Nations building an goes on a guided tour. This allows her to scout the building and gather intel for when she breaks in later that evening. She breaks into the office and steals the memo with relative ease. However, she is unaware that Russian intelligence had bugged the room and record her theft so that they can use it against her later. The following day, when Zamatev and Katrinka return to Natasha’s apartment, they show her the video and how this was all a set up. With the damning video the two then blackmail her to get what they really want: A new computer chip that controls SHIELD’s latest Master Matrix, the device used to create Life Model Decoys.[7] Realizing that she has no other choice, Natasha agrees but under two conditions: That she be allowed to hand deliver the chip to Zamatev’s handlers in Russia and that she gets to leave with Alexi afterwards. As it turns out, Natasha was expecting a double-cross like this and assures Ivan that she is already a step ahead of Russian intelligence.

The next day, the Black Widow heads to the South Street Sea Port where she breaks into a secret SHIELD facility hidden beneath a sushi stand. Natasha manages to get her way deep into the complex, but not before SHIELD can activate a massive LMD created to defend the Master Matrix. Although the behemoth is much stronger than she is, Natasha is able to incapacitate the android by removing the control component implanted on its back. She then manages to snatch the computer chip needed and escapes through the ventilation shaft before reinforcements can stop her.

Soon, Natasha and Ivan are on a jet heading to Russia. Not trusting Zamatev or Katrinka, she has placed the chip in a briefcase that is protected with an explosive and handcuffs it to her wrist. She tells the pair that they won’t get the microchip until she is brought to Alexi. When Katrinka calls her a cold woman, this causes Natasha to think back when Alexi accused her of the same thing not long after they were married. This was years ago while they were having their honeymoon at a remote cabin in the Russian wilderness. Putting on a dance for him, Natasha says that if she is the embodiment of winter then his love is the summer sun that will melt her snow.[8]

When the arrive in Russia, the Black Widow and Ivan are taken to a facility where Alexi is being held. When Natasha goes to embrace him, he suddenly yanks the briefcase from her, snapping the handcuffs and crushing the explosive with his bare hands. As it turns out, this wasn’t Alexi at all, but Russia’s attempt at duplicating the Life Model Decoy process. The scientist in charge then implants the chip that Natasha stole from SHIELD, which allows the android to operate autonomously. He then order this artificial Red Guardian to kill Natasha. “Alexi” does as he has been told, trying to use his titanic strength and ability to channel electricity to try and destroy the Black Widow.

The fight takes them out into the middle of Red Square, where Zamatev and Katrinka order soldiers to stand down and let the pair fight. The Red Guardian LMD is much more powerful than Natasha. Realizing that there is no way to offensively destroy it, Natasha instead allows herself to get grabbed by the android. This allows her to pull the control chip off the Guardian’s back, rendering it immobile. Then, to spite Katrinka and Zamatev, she uses her Widow’s sting to brick the chip so it can no longer be used. That’s when Russian officials arrive with Nick Fury himself. As it turned out, Natasha had recorded Zamatev and Katrinka’s attempts at blackmailing her and handed it over to SHIELD. As it turned out, the two operatives were acting on their own and Russia’s leader is not happy with them. With the battle over, Natasha asks Ivan to bring her home, although she isn’t entirely sure where that is.

Later[9]

Natasha called a meeting with Nick Fury in New York City’s Central Park. She wants to follow up with him on what happened after the incident in Russia, now that relations between the two nations have softened. Incidentally, she was contacted by Zamatev following his dismissal from Russian intelligence. Apparently, Katrinka went to work for the secret police of an Eastern European nation and hasn’t been seen nor heard from following a recent revolution in that region. Zamatev fared better, having entered politics he is now a member of the new Russian government. He had called because the current government wants her to come home and dance in the Bolshoi once more. Natasha finds this amusing given how not too long ago they were all involved in some deep espionage. Fury points out that with softened relations, Natasha can actually choose whatever she wants for the first time in years. She knows, and finds the sensation glorious.

Recurring Characters

Black Widow, Ivan Petrovitch, Daredevil, Karen Page, Hawkeye, Mockingbird, Nick Fury (in flashback) Red Guadian

Continuity Notes

  1. Chronologically, this story takes place after the Black Widow’s appearance in Daredevil #252.

  2. Here, Ivan states that he rescued Natasha from a burning building in Leningrad. This was first depicted in Daredevil #88. That account states that this occurred during the siege on of Stalingrad circa World War II. However, as we learned in Black Widow: Deadly Origin #1-4, it actually happened much earlier, in 1928. The reason for this conflicting information and both Natasha and Ivan’s longevity have to do with their work with the Russian Red Room, which subjected Natasha to a process to slow her aging. She was also subject to brain washing which has affected her memories.

  3. While mingling with the party guests, Natasha mentions how she used to dance with the Bolshoi, one of the most renown ballet schools in Russia. As we’ll learn in Black Widow: Deadly Origin #2, Natasha was never part of the Bolshoi, this was a false memory implanted in her mind by the Red Room.

  4. Alexi Shostakov became the first present day Red Guardian. He seemingly died in a battle with the Black Widow and the Avengers in Avengers #43-44. Alexi actually faked his death and he’ll turn up alive again in Daredevil (vol. 2) #64.

  5. Natasha and Clint had an on-and-off relationship from Tales of Suspense #57 until Natasha ended their romance to pursue a career with SHIELD in Avengers #76. Since then, Clint went on to marry Bobbi Morse, aka Mockingbird, in Hawkeye #4.

  6. Daredevil and the Black Widow had a long running partnership that developed into a romance for a period of time. See Daredevil #81-124.

  7. The Master Matrix has been employed to create modern day LMDs since Strange Tales #135.

  8. Per Black Widow: Deadly Origin #2, this flashback takes place sometime after Natasha and Alexi met in 1957 and when he faked his death the first time in 1963.

  9. The epilogue of this story is stated as having taken place a few years after the main portion of the story. However, if this measurement is done in real time based on the date of publication. Per the Sliding Timescale, the passage of time would have been a few months instead of three years. Per the Marvel Chronology Project, this part of the story takes place following Natasha’s appearance in Solo Avengers #16.

Topical References

  • This story is stated as taking place between February 1988 (at some points incorrectly listed as 1987 in some of the captions) with the story’s epilogue taking place in April of 1990. These dates should all be considered topical.

  • Likewise should all the references to Russia as though it is still the USSR, all Cold War references, and the depiction of Mikhail Gorbachev as leader of Russia should all be considered topical as well. The Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, with Gorbachev out by August of that same year. Modern readers should interpret this story as being set during a period of heightened political tensions between the US and Russia, although not applying it to any real world tensions either present day or historical.

  • The stolen US Defense Department data is depicted as being held on a 5¼ inch floppy disk. This should be considered a topical reference as this is an obsolete technology.

  • The amount being paid for the US Defense Department Data is said to be $100,000. Adjusting for inflation this would be worth about $227,000 in 2022 money.

  • The vehicles in this story are all rendered to resemble cars driven in the late 1980s, this depiction should be considered topical as these styles of vehicles are no longer on the road for the most part. Ivan is depicted driving a vintage Rolls Royce limousine. One could assume that this isn’t topical as Ivan and Natasha live it pretty rich at the time of this story and it’s entirely possible that they own a vintage Rolls.

  • At the fancy party, Natasha is stated as wearing a $15,000 Armani original. This should be considered topical as Armani is a real world clothing brand. Adjusting for inflation that dress would be worth about $34k in 2022 money.

  • Alleged footage of Alexi Shostakov is depicted as being recorded on a VHS tape, played on a VHS player, and displayed on a CRT model television. This should be considered topical as these are all obsolete technologies.

  • Fyodor states that he is a member of the KGB. Like the other Cold War references in this story, this should be considered a topical reference. The KGB was shut down following the dissolution of the Soviet Union and has since been replaced by the Federal Security Service.

  • Natasha is depicted as having a physical answering machine that records phone messages on a cassette tape. This should be considered a topical reference as Voice Mail has long since rendered these types of machines obsolete.

  • Katrinka is stated to have disappeared during the Romanian Revolution of 1989. This should be considered a topical reference.

Black Knight (vol. 2) #1

Black Knight (vol. 2) #1