PREVIOUSLY ON JIMMY OLSEN, LIFE WRECKING IDIOT….
At the start of my last article I put forward the idea that Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen is literally the worst human being ever. I talked about how fucking stupid he is and how it often his life is turned upside down thanks to Superman staging elaborate hoaxes on the retard. Today we’re going to look some other aspects of Jimmy’s personality and lifestyle that validates my claims that he is the worst.
JIMMY IS A TOXIC PERSON (LITERALLY)
Usually when we talk about somebody being toxic, we mean that their personalities are so awful that it affects your mental health. While I will probably prove that he is a toxic person in a metaphorical sense in this instance I am saying that Jimmy is literally a toxic person. Throughout his career as a cub reporter he’s been zapped with rays, doused in chemicals, irradiated, and had his body exposed to all manner of alien — and probably dangerous — things. The astounding thing is that a lot of the time Jimmy exposes himself to these things intentionally! He's as careless as a man in a Bangcock whorehouse who forgot his condoms. Usually Jimmy takes these incredibly stupid risks because he believes doing so will gift him with special powers. I’ve heard of people eating their feelings of inadequacy but this is the first time I’ve heard of someone doing it thinking they’ll get magical powers.
“THE FLYING JIMMY OLSEN” – FROM SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN #2
“Oh Jimmy, I forgot to mention that the potion doesn’t make you bullet proof.”In this story, Jimmy is visited by Superman who gives him an addition to his growing collection of Superman souvenirs. While adding it to his shrine to obsession he notices a box full of sand from another planet (cleverly labeled “Sand from another world brought back by Superman”) Jimmy apparently doesn’t remember having this item in his collection.
For someone who obsesses over Superman, you’d figure he’d have a detailed inventory of his possessions trained to memory. Nonetheless, Jimmy pulls a bottle out of the sand he sees a note attached that has a translation of the bottles inscription done by Superman. Practically dropping a load in his pants with excitement, Jimmy then drinks the entire bottle without a second thought.
Jimmy is as curious as a toddler discovering a bottle of bleach.Jimmy takes a nap and wakes up to discover he can fly! This all turns out to be a very vivid dream when he is later woken up by Superman. When Jimmy realizes what happened he quickly re-reads the label on the bottle which now says: “This is merely a chemical of that world, producing heavy sleep and wild dreams!” This note is also signed by Superman.
Apparently Superman likes to be cryptic when it comes to dosing his boy sidekicks.On the surface, things look pretty innocent, doesn’t it? Until you think about it for a moment: Jimmy downed a mysterious bottle of alien liquid without a second though just because he thought it could give him superpowers. I get the feeling that Jimmy Olsen’s parents were the type who had to put a lock on the cabinet under the kitchen sink and still needed poison control on speed dial just in case. Let’s also not forget that the person who wrote both notes on the bottle was Superman. Usually, Superman has a reason for such an elaborate hoax, like protecting his secret identity, but this all plays out like it was done intentionally for no reason but Superman’s sick amusement.
“Remember kids, never leave your drinks unattended!”
“SUPERMAN’S SEEING-EYE DOG” – FROM SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN #11
“Jeepers Superman! This harness is really demeaning can we–““Never mind that Jimmy! Lead me to those Crooks!”When Superman returns from space he gives Jimmy the dust from a meteor he destroyed that has interesting x-ray properties. When Jimmy goes to add it to his collection, the poor dope ends up tripping on his rug. Somehow this klutz manages to smash the bottle in such a way that the dust lands directly in his eyes.
Tripping and getting the dust to land directly into your eyes takes real talent.Suddenly, Jimmy realizes he has x-ray vision and goes around flaunting it everywhere he can.
“Great Scott! Jimmy’s x-ray vision made Lois barren!”However, Superman comes in to cramp Jimmy’s style by warning him that if they both use their x-ray vision simultaneously it could cause a massive explosion. Faced with a conundrum, Jimmy suggests that he be Superman’s “seeing-eye dog”. Which makes sense considering that when it comes restrain, Jimmy is sorely lacking. Supes has the idiot rigged up in a harness and used as a seeing eye dog, and that was even Jimmy’s idea!At the end of the story, he is cured of his x-ray vision when he destroys a bullet with his powers. Apparently lead in the eyes is the cure for x-ray vision. I’m sure he’ll be glad he got rid of that x-ray vision when the lead poisoning starts settling in and he starts suffering seizures, gastrointestinal problems and the various other fun that is conducive of the illness.
NEXT TIME ON JIMMY OLSEN, LIFE WRECKING IDIOT….
Oh, we haven’t even scratched the surface on this subject. Next time I’m going to be taking some prime examples of how Jimmy is quite possibly less Superman’s Pal and more his obsessive stalker!